Surrendering is the act of giving up something. For our purposes, surrender means giving up on efforts to control your life or ensure specific outcomes. But why surrender? Trying too hard to maintain our lives is stressful and fruitless (Cole & Pargament, 1999). Knowing when to surrender and being able to do so effectively is a helpful coping skill (Cole & Pargament, 1999).

For many people, particularly those with spiritual leanings, surrendering control is synonymous with seeking to follow the will of a higher power instead of one's own will (Wong-McDonald & Gorsuch, 2000). This might mean recognizing that the will of the universe and one's own will do not align and that it will be easier to accept how things unfold than to continue trying to change them.

Paradoxically, many people find that surrendering in this way allows them to feel more in control of their lives (Cole & Pargament, 1999). This might be because surrender is still a choice we make.

The classic example of surrendering comes from the world of addiction recovery. Many people have achieved better psychological health and abstinence from addictive behaviors through participation in Twelve-Step programs (Kelly, 2017), and surrender is at the heart of those Twelve Steps.

For those of you unfamiliar with the Twelve Steps, it is a model of understanding addiction recovery. The first step is for the person with an addiction to acknowledge that their life has become so out of control that no amount of rational thinking on their part will solve their problems (Tangenberg, 2005). Rather than continue struggling in vain to control their behaviors, people with an addiction are encouraged to give up trying – to surrender to the fact that many events are out of their control and that they cannot manage things alone.

Many people with an addiction find life much more manageable once they not only surrender control but also ask for a benevolent power greater than themselves to take care of the situation (Pearce et al., 2008). In turning to an outside source for help, whether that be the support of fellow addicts, the will of a higher power, or the guidance of a therapist, people with an addiction take an active role in getting better, no longer going it alone. In this environment, they practice actively coping with life stress by surrendering, which positively impacts their lives (Morgenstern et al., 1997).

Aside from addiction rehab, psychological research has documented a wealth of benefits that come from accepting things as they are and giving up trying to control that which cannot be controlled. Accepting things as they are is a central component of many effective types of psychotherapy (Block-Lerner et al., 2009).

To take one example, we can think of surrendering as a form of “radical acceptance,” a therapeutic skill that has been shown to help people recover from post-traumatic stress disorder and borderline personality disorder (Gorg et al., 2017; Robins et al., 2004). Accepting the present moment exactly as it is can make us less worried and stressed and more effective in responding to what life throws (Knabb et al., 2017), regardless of whether we have significant mental health challenges.

So, what might this look like for somebody who doesn’t have an addiction? Suppose you have a friend whose company you truly and deeply enjoy. However, they can be forgetful, sometimes showing up late or canceling plans with you altogether. Knowing the limits of how much you can change somebody else, surrendering is likely to be a helpful tool here. You might decide that you’d rather not rock the boat by asking your friend to be more punctual or consistent; in that case, you’ll need to surrender to the fact of inevitable, occasional frustration with this person. If you decide to ask them to change, it will help you surrender attachment to them responding in any particular way.

Another example, is on illness. An illness like cancer, where we don't control the outcome of the treatments. We definitely need to continue fighting however, compete surrender to God or to a Higher Power can actually be liberating and may result to finding more peace - whether being at peace with the illness, at peace with the outcome, and yes, even if it can mean death in the end.

Exercises

Here are two ways to practice surrender in your daily life (Colombiere, 1980):

• Prepare to surrender certain things today. Think about your daily routine and the things you can’t control. For example, before you even get on the road, let go of your anger at the driver in front of you. Accept that you will be anxious during that meeting with your supervisor. Before your brain can start trying to control these feelings, surrender to the fact that you’ll likely have them. That might make it easier to let them go when they arise.

• Practice surrendering to the larger forces of life. You cannot control the outcome of the next election, whether your spouse will develop a severe illness or the long-term effects of climate change. When thoughts of these things arise, it can be easy to spin out with worry as you wonder how you might control (or how little you can control) future events. Try your best to surrender these topics.

In Summary

Letting go of things takes courage. Similar to the idea that there is strength in vulnerability, it takes guts to surrender. Knowing that surrendering can be a helpful tool but is effortful and may not feel natural, how would you like to change your life? Where in your life would it be braver to say, “I let go of control of this,” than to keep tightening your grip?

As you ponder these questions, be open and accessible with yourself. Surrender is counterintuitive; it’s hard to admit that we can’t think or do our way to a better solution than surrendering provides. So when you find yourself stuck on something, gently consider whether just letting it go is an excellent first step.

References

●      Block-Lerner, J., Wulfert, E., & Moses, E. (2009). ACT in context: an exploration of experiential acceptance. Cognitive and Behavioral Practice, 16(4), 443-456.

●      Cole, B. S., & Pargament, K. I. (1999). Spiritual surrender: A paradoxical path to control. In W. R. Miller (Ed.), Integrating spirituality into treatment: Resources for practitioners (pp. 179–198). American Psychological Association.

●      Colombiere, C. (1980). Trustful surrender to divine providence. Charlotte, NC: Tan Books.

●      Görg, N., Priebe, K., Böhnke, J. R., Steil, R., Dyer, A. S., & Kleindienst, N. (2017). Trauma-related emotions and radical acceptance in dialectical behavior therapy for posttraumatic stress disorder after childhood sexual abuse. Borderline personality disorder and emotion dysregulation, 4(1), 1-12.

●      Kelly, J. F. (2017). Is Alcoholics Anonymous religious, spiritual, or neither? Findings from 25 years of mechanisms of behavior change research. Addiction, 112(6), 929-936.

●      Knabb, J. J., Frederick, T. V., & Cumming III, G. (2017). Surrendering to god’s providence: A three-part study on providence-focused therapy for recurrent worry (PFT-RW). Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, 9(2), 180.

●      Morgenstern, J., Labouvie, E., McCrady, B. S., Kahler, C. W., & Frey, R. M. (1997). Affiliation with Alcoholics Anonymous after treatment: A study of its therapeutic effects and mechanisms of action. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 65(5), 768–777.

●      Pearce, M. J., Rivinoja, C. M., & Koenig, H. G. (2008). Spirituality and health: Empirically based reflections on recovery. Recent Developments in Alcoholism, 18, 187-208.

●      Robins, C. J., Schmidt, H. III, & Linehan, M. M. (2004). Dialectical Behavior Therapy: Synthesizing Radical Acceptance with Skillful Means. In S. C. Hayes, V. M. Follette, & M. M. Linehan (Eds.), Mindfulness and acceptance: Expanding the cognitive-behavioral tradition (pp. 30–44). The Guilford Press.

●      Tangenberg, K. M. (2005). Twelve-step programs and faith-based recovery: Research controversies, provider perspectives, and practice implications. Journal of Evidence-Based Social Work, 2(1-2), 19-40.

●      Wong-McDonald, A., & Gorsuch, R. (2000). Surrender to God: An additional coping style? Journal of Psychology and Theology, 28, 149 –161.